“I want to start my story with a quote from a song I heard awhile back….
“I ain’t no angel, I still gotta few more dances, with the devil, I’m cleaning up my act little by little, I’m getting there, I can finally stand the man in the mirror I see…I ain’t as good as I’m gonna get, but I’m better than I used to be…”
I’m going to try to make this as short and painless as possible and just give you the facts as I know them to be. No drunk-a-log, I’m just gonna get to the point. I didn’t come into the rooms of AA until I was 40, looking back, I’d spent more than half my life seeking the answers to life in the bottom of one bottle or another, yet I didn’t see it as a problem. I justified my actions for everything I did. The last few years of my drinking, I became a “monster” or so I was told. I was a black out drunk, and I thrived on the “If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen” attitude. I was on the verge of loosing my wife, my business, my friends and family, so I decided I’d go to AA to make them happy. I figured once they weren’t mad at me any more, I’d go back to business as usual. I stayed sober for a grand total of 44 days.
My relapse was not intentional. I know most people say that, but mine truly wasn’t. I’d drank a glass of what I thought was soda which belonged to my underage son so I had no reason to think otherwise. I drank about 3/4 of it before I realized it wasn’t soda. Suddenly everything I’d heard in the rooms started to ring in my ear. Knowing I needed to leave, I proceeded to get my things with the intentions of doing just that. I’d gotten into a conversation with this man who was there and after a few moments, he handed me a shot. I knew with every bit of my being that I had to put that shot down right then and there. Then reality hit me. The last thing I remember from that night was not being able to put that shot down. Not physically, not mentally. I literally couldn’t do. I woke up the next morning not hungover because I was still drunk and a friend of mine grabbed me by the arm after questioning me, sat me on the couch, turned on the TV and there before me was the most horrifying, disturbing, sickening thing I had ever seen. t was “me” in my truest monster form.My face swollen from all the alcohol consumption, eyes glazed over, not making any sense. It was like watching Cybil meets Jekyll and Hyde. I was so sick I wanted to vomit and it wasn’t because of the alcohol still in my system. I was sickened by what I was watching. I got to SEE the monster I become, the monster people had been telling me about for years. Suddenly there was no more denial. At that moment, I gave in to the 1st step.
I walked back into AA and picked up what I hope will be my second and last white chip. I told myself I wasn’t leaving there without getting a sponsor and I didn’t. I dove into the program like a duck to water and have been working the steps ever since. I have a genuine relationship with my Higher Power today. God, or even the thought of God didn’t exist for me before I came to AA. By working the steps, following the suggestions, having a Higher Power in my life and working with other Alcoholics, my life has done a complete 360. I like who I am today and wouldn’t want to change a thing. On July 18, 2012 I will be sober 2 years. It really is the longest time in my entire life that I have gone without a drink or a drug in my system and I feel amazing. I’m 42 years old, and although I’ve been on this earth for over two decades, I didn’t know what it was like to “live” until I walked into the rooms of AA. The program of AA didn’t give me my life back, it gave me a life. Keep coming back, it really does work if you work it.”