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Substance Abuse

Illnesses & Mental Health


"I am 49 and live alone. Like NO One is more alone than me.... Like Kung-Fu, I walk the earth alone. I have never been married or have children which in retrospect is a good thing. I thought the assessments were a good idea because I never really kept track of my using or the consequences. I've never been charged with or convicted of a drug offence. I assume it is because I look sort of BO-PEEP ish. I was abused and neglected as a young child. It started at 3 (I don't remember anything before that and 3 is fuzzy) and at 6 I told my mom, and she took no action. A psychiatrist I had, told me once that she's a narcissist. She was very passive aggressive and dismissive of my feelings. Days would go by, and she would not speak to me and was upset like I caused the abuse like I enjoyed it and participated in it, and it was my fault basically that she was divorced. We were forced into counseling when I was 8 years old when she left the child molester. By the way she didn't know him before, she married him after knowing him for 24 hours. Couple with the fact that I have zero siblings, so it was just me and her alone all the time.

I cut my mother off in 2020 because I realized that I have to for self-preservation. I started smoking marijuana when I was about 13 or 14. I was extremely promiscuous, and my mother put me out when I was a freshman or sophomore in high school made me go live with my dad which actually was a pretty good thing because for the first time in my life, I understood what love was and I met a real man for the first time. We had a neighbor that sold cocaine and he was always trying to hit on me all the time despite the fact that he was married. He would give it to me on credit and by that time by the time I was 16 or 17 I was already turning tricks, so I'd have his money right back for him I remember the first time I snorted cocaine. Sergeant Pepper's lonely hearts club band was on TV, and I thought I was the greatest movie ever ..... It was not. I graduated from snorting the smoking and then by the time I graduated from high school I was totally strung out. I was stealing from my father lying to people to get money. A lot of these years have kind of went by in a blur because I have brain fog and I do so much stuff that I just forget day to day what I do. I receive disability because I'm HIV positive and I'm in stage 5 kidney failure to which I have to go to dialysis three times a week. I don't have friends and I don't have anyone to support me doing dialysis. Funny note my mother also text dialysis and was doing so one calendar year before I started. We share the same nephrologist and when I told her that he put me online for the transplant list she said, and I quote "oh you don't want to do that" then she ruminated on whether or not she's too old to have one..... I've had seven surgeries since I started dialysis in October of 2021.

I actually had to pay someone to come and pick me up one time because my mother or anyone else was there to support me during any of this. Lately I have not worked. I'm 2 months behind on my rent but I'll make it up later in the month. I've been evicted from places before, but I don't have a car to stay in anymore. I like to read. I started reading books about stoicism and find Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius to be my favorites. Even though I've run my life off the rails, I try to look at things like they might today if they were here with us. I don't really do friendships or relationships because I can't seem to handle them. I was told by someone I did a lot of work with that I have borderline personality disorder. We work the dialectical behavioral therapy books, and she did cognitive therapy on me. I think she helped me somewhat but it's very hard to try to gauge if something is happening that's actually happening, or it's something that I think is happening"

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